Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
