i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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