I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
