im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
