I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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