They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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