When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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