Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
