Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
