I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
