So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
