I think I won the penis lottery.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
