Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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