you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
