i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
