awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
