My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
