Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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