Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
