Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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