i wish my penis had a tongue
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
