You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
