I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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