Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just high enough for therapy.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
