So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
