omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
