i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Who died my cat blue again?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
