Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
