the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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