I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize