so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
