I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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