god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
