Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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