There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
