my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
