Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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