I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
