Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
