you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
