I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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