Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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