It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
