good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
