I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
