thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
