Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
