i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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