You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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