Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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